8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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