thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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