Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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