there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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