I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
