So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
