Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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