The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I supernannyed him into submission
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