I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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