You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
