i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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