Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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