Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
worst night to have a conscience
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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