vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
