the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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