Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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