here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We just shotgunned beers for America
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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