Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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