Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
