woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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