I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
