I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
