It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
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