making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.