sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.