i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
