Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
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Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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