oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
