Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
