tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
