For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
