Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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