My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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