You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
