you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
