I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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