im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
