so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just high enough for therapy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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