yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
