you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
