Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
