ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
