Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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