why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
