literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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