His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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