My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize