I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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