I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
