Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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