How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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