Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
